Why Is This Time Of Year So Hard?
A Note On The Holidays for Complex Trauma Survivors
As many trauma survivors will tell you, life often feels like it’s stuck in expert mode this time of year. We could point to many different potential causes from the weather to the holidays to general end-of-year burnout. For many survivors, there is a general emotional flashback that feels incredibly difficult to shake in the remaining months of the year. There is also a chance that this time of year is filled with trauma anniversaries of years past. Know that if you or your loved ones are experiencing this, you’re not alone and just like all other things, this will pass as all seasons do.
One of the hardest parts for survivors or those with complex trauma histories is that we are often left choosing between spending holidays with a hurtful family system, being a stray at someone else’s holiday event, or succumbing to spending the holiday alone. Now, granted, some of these may be worth the downsides and even be enjoyable options. These options though often feel like a stuck point, another block in the road caused by trauma while those with “good” families can easily make these plans and choices. Know that whatever you choose, you deserve to show up for yourself with compassion. It is okay to regret the choices you make around the holidays and give yourself grace that often, there is no good or right decision, just a decision to be made.
Grief goes hand in hand with the holiday season. Whether it's feeling the emptiness that person or your family used to feel or sitting with the changes of the past year, grief can grip us tightly this time of year. It is important to not shame yourself for needing to sit in the grief or being hit with the grief in the middle of the grocery aisle during what is supposed to be a “season of joy.” Grief is tricky, we cannot always anticipate it and sometimes it’s just sitting below the surface parading as anger or anxiety. Let yourself be where you're at to the best of your ability and honor your grief in the ways that work for you.
Beyond the holidays, the lack of sunlight and pitch black by 5:00 pm sure doesn’t help. This is the time of year we as humans are generally lacking in sunlight and time spent outside, which as we know are both necessary for our mental wellbeing. As much as I would love to tell you to go for a 30-minute walk each day or step outside at the appropriate times to moderate your circadian rhythm, perhaps we can lower the bar to something more achievable. Such as standing outside while you have your coffee or waiting outside while you let your dog out instead of going inside. Something is better than nothing. As for monitoring seasonal depression, it is never a bad idea to get your vitamin levels checked with your doctor if that is accessible to you. If you’re already living with complex trauma, your risk factors for things such as seasonal depression increase, which means this is the season to increase resiliency factors in your toolbox.
So, it’s December. Time to pick our goals, build our vision boards, and review every goal and failure over the past year. What if we didn’t? What if we were to take stock of how these activities make us feel? For example, picking out-of-reach astronomical goals will most likely trigger feelings of shame and defeat come February. Reviewing all of the things we did not do this year also leads to shame, guilt, and sadness. Give yourself grace that there is no moral high ground for having completed more things over the past year and time is not running out.
How to Help Yourself
As much as we can feel helpless and isolated throughout the holiday and winter season, there are many things we can do to ease the burden. Now is a good time of year to simplify and engage in self care routines to begin and end your day. Take inventory of your needs as the season currently is and choose activities that are sustainable for you. Remember, self care is not just facemasks and bubble baths, sometimes it's making the therapy appointment or setting the boundary. If you’re experiencing more difficult trauma symptoms, I recommend taking a look at Pete Walker’s emotional flashback management steps. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate the ebbs and flows of the season and know that before you know it, you can breathe a sigh of relief as we ease into January.
